A Hell of a Ride

Four weeks and two days ago, Dan broke his leg rock climbing in Peru.

(At least that’s what his doctor told him to say when Dan shared how he really broke his leg. Unbeknownst to me, Jordan proceeded to share the doctor’s version of events with several people, one of whom reached out and asked, “When did you guys have time to go to Peru? And why didn’t you post any pictures?”)

The doctor told Dan he cannot put any weight on his leg for six weeks and then he’ll have four additional weeks following that in a boot. He was lucky he did not need surgery.

Dan’s accident happened two weeks before our planned spring break trip to Myrtle Beach. I had found one of those timeshare deals where you pay $300 for three nights at a condo, listen to a timeshare presentation for 90 minutes, and then get a $100 AmEx gift card for your time. Meals and entertainment aside, we were only paying $200 for our trip, as the flights were booked with miles.

After the accident, I called the timeshare company to find out exactly where our condo was located. I was not sure this trip was even feasible given Dan’s condition. The person I spoke with said the condo was several miles from the beach and there were no restaurants on the property. This did not sound the least bit relaxing, so we needed another plan.

A Google search found a Marriott resort right on the beach, with a nice pool and a couple of restaurants. Dan could just stay at the pool, and it would be easy for the boys and me to alternate between pool and beach. This was more our speed. They also had a wheelchair we could use when we went places with a lot of walking. Unfortunately, our almost free vacation had now turned into an actual expense. At this point, however, I needed something easy and decided it would probably be worth it. And, that part certainly was – the hotel was beautiful and our time spent by the pool was exactly what we all needed.

What impressed me about the Myrtle Beach area is their focus on Autism awareness. The CAN (Champion Autism Network) card allowed us to skip the line at several places, including the Sky Wheel and Johnny D’s, a delicious restaurant known for their waffles and owned by a woman whose son has autism. There were autism awareness flyers everywhere, and the staff was very welcoming.

What I didn’t anticipate was how difficult, stressful and tiring it is to maneuver a wheelchair. We opted to take ubers rather than rent a car so we could all get out at the entrance of every location we visited. Each time we got into a car, I collapsed the wheelchair, and a combination of Jordan, the driver and I tried to get it in the trunk. Some trunks were easy, but others required quite a bit of effort. Every time we got out of a car, I rushed to get the wheelchair from the trunk and push it open before Dan got out and hobbled around without support. Despite asking him to wait until the chair was set up, Dan’s natural instinct was to help, so he often got out of the car too quickly.

Here are a few of our travel experiences:

The Boardwalk

On our second night, we decided to go to the boardwalk for dinner and rides. After a two-hour dinner (we were lucky to be seated at the same time as two giant parties!), we made our way to the boardwalk. Only it wasn’t like the boardwalks we’ve been to, which are right off the beach and very family friendly. Sure, the Sky Wheel (giant Ferris Wheel) was off the beach, but the other stores and food areas were actually off the street. It was very crowded walking down the street blocks with the wheelchair. At one point, Jordan took over from me; then he got tired and said, “Ryan, you push. You need to do more.”

“Do you really think this is the right place for Ryan to push?’ I asked.

“He needs to step it up,” Jordan said. “We’re tired.”

Ryan suddenly decided after about 30 seconds that he had had enough and just let go. Dan and the chair started barreling toward the street.

$&@#!!!

“Dad is going into traffic!” I yelled. Dan was trying to steer but he was going downhill and couldn’t stop.

Jordan and I ran toward the chair and together, grabbed it and pulled it back onto the sidewalk.

“Ryan! You can’t just let go!” I admonished once we were back on solid footing again.

“It’s heavy and I’m tired,” he said. “I have to go to the bathroom.”

Ryan always has to go to the bathroom at the worst times. We pushed the chair down a few more blocks to the only available public restroom, which was in an alleyway. Ryan went in and I stood near the door, while Jordan moved Dan off to the side.

All of a sudden, about a dozen extremely tall (at least 6’5 and taller) older boys showed up and began shouting angrily at each other. They then stormed the bathroom to continue their fighting. They were screaming and it sounded like things were getting physical, and I was afraid Ryan would get hurt in there. Ryan is about 5’5, which is tiny compared to those boys.

From where Dan’s chair was, he couldn’t see the boys were in the bathroom with Ryan. “Dan!” I shouted. “Ryan’s with them!”

For a few seconds our panicked eyes met, and I wondered who should be the one to go into the men’s room and rescue Ryan. Me, the woman? Or Dan, with his one functioning leg? This was lose-lose. As Dan started to rise from the chair and I shook my head afraid he would get even more hurt, Ryan emerged from the bathroom.

“Mommy,” he said, oblivious to our panic, “It’s so loud in there.”

We later learned from our uber driver that the boardwalk isn’t the safest place to go at night.

The Aquarium

The next day, we ventured to Broadway at the Beach, an outdoor complex with many restaurants, rides and a zip line, and a big aquarium. Dan and Ryan love aquariums and really wanted to go. Jordan, who now had a cold, grumbled about it. I said we would stay an hour, max, and then spend the afternoon at the pool.

Apparently, everyone visiting Myrtle Beach had the same idea as it was a mob scene when we arrived. Pushing the chair up and down the narrow ramps and trying to navigate to the tanks with the crowds was nearly impossible. We couldn’t get close to much, although Ryan managed to take some good pictures, and people did part for Dan’s chair at some  of the tanks so he could get in and see the fish. I kept losing Ryan in the crowd. Between worrying he would disappear, and the physical difficulties of the chair, I was very happy when it was time to leave.

The Wallet

After the aquarium, we got into an uber with driver, Gregory, and headed to our hotel. I decided to make reservations for date night at Crocodile Rocks, a dueling piano bar back at Broadway at the Beach. I had to give a deposit to hold an actual table, which would ensure Dan had a seat for the show, so my wallet was out while I was on the phone. We arrived at the hotel and I jumped out of the car to get the chair. When we got to our room to change for the pool, I suddenly realized my wallet was missing.

“Why don’t you call Gregory,” Dan suggested. “He’s ex-military and I’m sure he’s very honest.”

You can’t just call an uber driver directly, but through the app, if you click on ‘I left something in my uber,’ it will automatically dial your driver. Gregory answered and confirmed he did have my wallet and could bring it by the hotel in 30 minutes.

“Just some advice,” Dan suggested. “Next time you may want to check the car before the driver leaves to make sure you don’t leave anything in it.” Hmm… super helpful. Thanks for that.

We went to the pool and 30 minutes passed. Then 45. I called Gregory again and he said he was tied up in traffic and would be another 30 minutes. Which soon passed.

I called Gregory again and it went to voicemail. What if he had disappeared with my wallet?

A little later, Dan called Gregory again and left my cell number. A minute later, Gregory called me. “I’m so glad you left your number – it doesn’t show up when you call through the uber app,” he said. “I’m at the pool.”

Thank goodness! I got up and started walking around the pool area. “I think I see you!” I exclaimed. “Turn around.” I gave him a big hug and a tip for coming all the way back to us, and breathed a sigh of relief. There are definitely good people in this world! However, we are going back to renting cars for future trips! (Ryan will be disappointed as he loved being in a different car each time and looking on the app to see what type of car we were going to get!)

Having a family member with a physical disability brings a completely different set of challenges to having a child with autism. I have a lot of respect for caregivers of family members who face this every day.

What’s been positive about the situation is the boys are now helping a lot more – the three of us take out the trash and put away the groceries. They probably should have started doing this years ago, but better late than never. My Fitbit steps are also at an all-time high from all of the running around I now do! Dan’s belief in being appreciative for what you have has been reinforced through this experience. And we can finally see the light at the end of the crutches tunnel – only two more weeks (fingers crossed) to go!

I don’t think Dan will ever go rock climbing in Peru again!

A Little Bit Selfish

For the past few months, I’ve been doing something a little bit selfish. I’ve been spending part of my weekends rehearsing for and performing in a synagogue show without Dan and the boys. Yes, I can be away from the family for up to a week at a time when I travel for business, but I don’t feel guilty traveling because that’s work. This show was purely for me.

The show was what we call a Purim (click on the link for more info) spiel. It told the story of this holiday through song parodies to music from Hamilton. This was my fifth synagogue spiel as an adult. Back in 2007, when the boys were almost three, Beth Am, put on its first show. That year, the theme was Broadway, and my parents and sister, Marni, were in it. I could not imagine leaving Dan with the boys every Sunday to go to rehearsals. The boys were a handful and we often needed two caretakers to watch them, so Dan and I had fun in the audience (with an added bonus of it being a BYOB event, so we split a bottle of wine while we enjoyed the Broadway song parodies).

The following year, when the theme of a 60s Purim spiel was announced, my mom suggested I audition. She thought I would really enjoy the experience. Marni was very pregnant with my niece, Shaina (and delivered her a month before the show), so she didn’t participate. I arranged for Aunt Sue to help Dan with the boys during rehearsals, along with other sitters. In return, Dan bought tickets to several Philadelphia Union (soccer) games and tailgate events so he could have some days out once the show ended.

And oh, my mom was so right! It had been years since I was in a show, and it all came flooding back – the fun of learning new songs and dances; the stress of wondering if it would ever click when you’re a few weeks out and it’s not even close to ready; and the camaraderie of working together with a group of people you didn’t know well at first, but who have become your friends by performance day because together, you’ve created and invested your time in something great that others can enjoy.

As a parent of toddlers, particularly one with autism, I never even tried to find something just for me outside of the occasional girls night. It’s hard to give yourself permission to do that. I felt like I was treading water every day for three years between the kids, the house, and work – and if I was lucky at the end of the day, maybe there would be an hour to watch TV. Throughout the four or so months of rehearsals, I found myself happier at home and more attentive and appreciative of my family. I noticed a bounce in my step, and I was always humming tunes. There’s something about finding an interest outside of work and family that is good for the soul. It was also nice doing this with my parents, since most of the time we spent together was with the kids.

The day after the show, I couldn’t believe how sad I was. That’s the downside of spending months preparing, and then after a few hours, it’s over. But life was busy and I quickly jumped into planning the boys’ 4th birthday and all of our fun summer plans.

Before I knew it, it was fall again and auditions were happening for a 70s themed Purim spiel. Marni was back and this year, the original four Holpers (Mom, Dad, Marni, me) performed together. This time, the boys were almost five and I thought they could sit through it. They were mesmerized by seeing the family on stage. Afterwards, I introduced Jordan to the man who played the villain (Haman), and he started to cry.  “He’s not really mean,” I explained, hugging him as he sniffled. “He was just pretending for the show.”

Beth Am did not do a spiel the following year, so I decided to audition for Bye Bye Birdie, which was being put on by a synagogue down the street. While it was a fun change being in an actual show vs a spiel, the commitment was double what I was used to and I found myself out of the house two nights a week plus Sundays, which I didn’t enjoy. I remember being very relieved when it was over. Three years passed after that with no Purium shows, although there was a talent show one of those years (not quite the same).

In 2014, Beth Am decided to do the Les Mis Purim spiel. Marni offered to direct and Sue, choreograph. The boys were almost 10 and Jordan had caught the performing bug, having done children’s community theater since he was six. He wanted to be in the spiel, as did Shaina, now six. Even Dan decided to give it a go, and we arranged for sitters to help out with Ryan on Sundays since he had no interest in participating. This was truly a family affair and incredibly fun to do with Dan and Jordan – it was something so different from our usual activities with the kids and each other. It also gave Jordan time with just us, which I know he appreciated, given a lot of what we were able to do as a family revolved around Ryan. Ironically, the same man who made Jordan cry five years earlier as the villain, played the villain again. This time, Jordan as Gavroche Goldberg, had a scene where he jumped up to point his finger in the villain’s face, saying in his cute, little boy voice, “You don’t scare me, You’re just a big bully!

The Grease Purim spiel, where the same family members participated, was the following year. This was the year we started writing our own music to supplement the scripts we purchased from the writers.

Four years passed quickly after Grease. Jordan got very into school theater during that time along with a variety of other activities. Ryan really enjoyed and looked forward to Sunday Circles (a program through a wonderful organization called The Friendship Circle, which I will cover in a future blog). Dan started a new job. I began traveling internationally. And, we had two years of constant Bar Mitzvahs on the weekends (during which time Beth Am did the Disney spiel and we opted out due to planning two Bar Mitzvahs of our own, but went to see the performance to support the others). So it wasn’t like I missed being in shows with everything else going on. I’d kind of forgotten that exuberant feeling of performing.

When the Hamilton spiel was announced, I had just started listening to the soundtrack and was planning to get tickets for Jordan and me to see it over winter break as Hanukkah gifts from the family. Dan was not interested in auditioning – he didn’t know the music and wanted to be around to take Ryan to Sunday Circle. Jordan was stressed with school work, busy with activities, and hesitant to give up his one free day and Sunday football for rehearsals. So for the first time since 2009, I was the only one of the four of us involved. Now that the boys were 14 and more independent, it was logistically easier to do this. I joined my parents, Sue, Marni, Shaina (11), and Mikey (6), along with the other talented cast members on Sundays and occasional Saturdays to put on what turned out to be (despite our doubts it would ever come together) one of the best spiels ever at Beth Am.

Once again, throughout the process, I thoroughly enjoyed myself and having an outside experience that was just mine. I often found myself humming or outright singing the tunes (sometimes in public – like on the Septa train – without being aware I was even singing odd Hamilton lyrics until I got strange looks!). Dan and Jordan looked forward to my entertaining stories about rehearsals and I looked forward to hearing about their afternoons. And after years of going to Jordan’s shows, it was very cool having Dan and the boys come watch me for a change. While it was the usual let down when it ended, I’m already looking forward to the next one, whenever that is.

My firm, PwC, has a Be Well Work Well initiative, which is about everyday behaviors and habits to help us manage our energy across four dimensions – physical, emotional, mental and spiritual. The goal is, by focusing on habits in all four, we can become and sustain our best selves, both personally and professionally. When I looked at the spiritual list of habits, one of them was ‘set aside me time (something outside of TV or social media) that recharges and renews you.’ An example listed is to do something creative with your friends or loved ones. So I guess being a little bit selfish once in awhile is ok – and even necessary – in order to be your best self.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Be well, work well

Last week, PwC closed the entire US firm, giving us the full July 4th week off as part of the firm’s Be well, work well initiative. (Be well, work well is about renewing our energy through four areas – physical, emotional, mental and spiritual.) A firm-wide shutdown is the best gift because you can truly disconnect since no one else (at least in the US) is working — and you can return to work after that time with a relatively empty in-box and most importantly with that renewed energy. PwC has been doing this for 14 years between Christmas and New Year’s, which is always a welcome and appreciated break with the family. This was the first time we had a week off as a firm in the summer.

When PwC’s break was announced, our family already had a late June beach vacation planned, and I didn’t want to spend money on another trip. My kids were also busy with their respective summer activities the week of July 2. Knowing I had four days of the week nearly all to myself (as the weekends and holiday would be family time), I spent awhile thinking about what to do with that precious time. A staycation – for just me! What a rare and incredible gift!

Two weeks before the shutdown, Dan got a new job and found himself with some time off before beginning it. He spent a good part of his first week off getting back in shape – working out and eating and drinking better.

As a result, I vacillated between three options for my week: lazy days at the pool relaxing, an intense focus on fitness, or — what I really needed to do — clean out the clutter throughout the house. Decluttering is on my list every winter break. Some day, moving will be a nightmare because of all the stuff we’ve accumulated during our 15+ years here. My annual decluttering process has never been a success and actually paralyzes me. I’ll buy a box of garbage bags, start with the best of intentions on a messy drawer, move to a closet, and then get overwhelmed thinking of the remaining 30 or so drawers, half a dozen book cases and all the closets and shelves left to clean. I’ll then give up and vow to tackle it next year. No room has ever been completely cleaned out because of this.

Having this new time off was more of an incentive to deal with the mess, and conversations with myself went something like…

  • [Responsible Jodi] What if this is the year you actually get rid of the clutter? How often do you have four days all to yourself? Why would you waste this opportunity? A clean house = a clean mind. Be well, work well!
  • [Lazy Jodi] Really? You’re going to spend four precious days alone cleaning out the house? If you clean all week, you’ll go back to work exhausted. This is your chance to chill and de-stress. Rest, swim, read, go out to eat, go to a spa. Be well, work well! 
  • [Healthy Jodi] Admit it. You know the house clean-up project is a lost cause. Lazing around at the pool will ultimately make you feel guilty. The best thing you can do with that time is get lots of exercise and focus on a healthier diet. Be well, work well!    

So who dominated? No one, actually. The three worked together quite nicely.

When the first weekend began, Dan asked if he could help with the decluttering since he had one more week off himself. Having him on board to clean gave me an idea. What if instead of setting a ridiculous goal of cleaning the whole house, we took the worst room — the one that annoys me the most — and focused on it together? That room would be our office. Dan was self-employed for several years; I work from home a lot; and we’ve also used the office space to store the kids’ school stuff since kindergarten. The amount of papers and boxes piled on top of each other is insane. I hate walking in there but have never been motivated to put in the time to fix it.

My nine consecutive days off ended up being the best combination of me time, couple time and family time. I got my money’s worth at the gym, working out regularly and taking two Pilates classes. I read three books during my several hours a day at the pool, including three luxurious mornings there alone. The combination of sun and exercise helped me sleep better than I had in a long time. For the most part, I made good food and beverage choices. I had a girls’ movie night; Dan and I had a double date night out; and we went to a movie together. Our family spent a very fun July 4th with friends. We all saw the Phillies beat the Nationals, followed by the most incredible fireworks, and pretty amazing local fireworks again at the end of the week. We had brunches and lunches with family members. And 17 garbage bags later, Dan and I FINALLY cleaned out that office. There is actually a floor under all of those boxes and a lot of space on top of the desk! Who knew? I now smile when I walk in there and marvel at how nice it looks.

I saw some great posts of other PwCers who went on what looked like amazing vacations and yes, getting away this week would have been terrific and much more interesting to write about. But Be well, work well was certainly in play all week — and I’m so grateful to PwC for that!